beautiful disaster
this is starrystarrytwenty
"No, there is no escape.
There is no heaven with a little hell in it -
no plan to retain this or that of the devil in our hearts or our pockets
Out Satan must go, every hair and feather."
- GEORGE MACDONALD
"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
- C.S. LEWIS
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
The Lord shall be my Guide..
things have very much moved on since kre asked to take me home last wednesday, exactly a week ago.. this past week, ive found out that love can move at top speed.. and sometimes, just lOve is not enuff, it cant exactly conquer all..
anywayz.. he didnt take me home wed nite, it was his sisterz birthday and he forgot abt it til that nite.. so i was left to go home alone..
thursday, we were suppose to meet for lunch in sch.. i waited an hr for him, got a terrible headache and he had a class he found out he cldnt skip.. so we ended up not meeting up for lunch..
saturday, he asked for me to watch a match he was playing in at woodlands stadium.. guess wat.. he broke his ankle and fractured his shin going in for a tackle and now is in ttsh getting surgery tmr to fix it.. i guess u cld say we're not fated but i dun believe in fate..
since then.. hez asked me to be his gf.. and i gave him a tentative no.. i told him he was going too fast and that he'll need to give me more time..
but it seems more and more like this relationship is not gonna happen..
him being muslim and i a christian.. itz not abt parents opposition which we wld be getting on both sides.. for me it was personal.. going agst wat i believe is true and wat i told myself i will not put me in such a relationship that was mapped out to end in hurt and unhappiness..
i kinda gave him a flat out no today.. and im feeling really undescribably crappy..
for the first time in my entire life, i didnt feel like playing soccer and i skipped training today..
itz amazing how this is affecting me..
and im not even sure how i feel for him, tho i admit i think i kinda like him..
or i wldnt be so hard to say no wldnt it..
hez the guy who doesnt smoke, drink, club.. he actually does hsework.. hez sensitive and funny and sweet.. he shares my deep passion for soccer and on the outside, hez is cute.. not forgetting he likes me just as i am.. he actually understands where im coming from telling me he wld understand shld i reject him and that i shld make the decision that is best for me.. sadly that decision doesnt include him..
talked to karen(my sw classmate who seems to be the only other rooted christian) today..
for a very short period of walking from sch to the mrt station..
i asked if she agreed with wat i was doing..
basically asking for assurance from someone other than family..
a verse that erjie shared, galatians 5:17.. so apt for my situation.. thanx jie..
and then today.. when karen and i were walking and talking..
this girl in a red tee walked past us..
on the back karen and i read,
His Word.. "I press toward the mark of the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" philippians 3:14
i guess
when u search for the Word, it'll find u..it dawned upon me at that moment that i knew i was doing the right thing..
as much as it hurts, yes i admit ive shed tears over this, my God shall come first..
and i juz got an email from karen for my project.. but she included the verse:
"but seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteouness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33 thanx karen.. it means alot to me..
for a short period of time, he gave me the presence of ridwan..
showing me that someone can like me
just the way i am, that i wldnt need to change a thing in my life.. wldnt hafta look like a thin babe, wldnt have to be more feminine.. just as i am..
bcz of that, it hurts the most to say no, but
i thank God for showing me that i will be loved..
i must rmb that
He giveth and taketh away..
and i believe
He will give me someone better later on in life..
i'll bet he'll be good for me beyond my dreams and not just wat i see now..
today, the song
rejoice in the Lord suddenly means so much..
[God never moves without purpose or planwhen trying His servant and moulding a mangive thanks to the Lord though your testing seems longin darkness He giveth a songOh rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistakesHe knoweth the end of each path that i takefor when i am tried and purifiedi shall come forth as goldi could not see through the shawdows aheadso i looked to the cross of my Saviour insteadi bowed to the will of the Master that daythen peace came and tears fled awaynow i can see, testing comes from aboveGod strengthens His children and purges in lovemy Father knows best, and i trust in His carethrough purging, more fruit i will bear ]